An Epistle and A Blasphemous Borrowing of the Bible

by Amy Mashburn on occasion of my receiving my umpteenth job rejection notice.

Chapter 1

Prologue

1 In the land of Lincoln, there lived a woman whose name was Alli. This woman was flawless and smokin' hott; she feared feet and shunned research not from primary sources. 2 She had two sisters and two roommates, 3 and she owned many cute outfits from Banana Republic, a car named Ruby, and the most glorious head of hair known to mankind. She was the greatest woman among all the people of the Great Chicagoland area, and the Minnesota National Guard to boot.
4 Her friends used to take turns holding tea parties in their dorm rooms, and they would invite the Wheaton College Debate Team to eat and drink with them. 5 When the period of college had run its course, Alli would invite them to her cute apartment and have them speak in debate jargon. Early in the morning she would sacrifice some eggs and fresh bell peppers and onions for each of them, thinking, "Perhaps my friends are hungry and curse the world at large if they don't eat and drink coffee before 9:00 a.m." This was Alli's regular custom.

Alli's Test

6 One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. 7 The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"
Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."
8 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered the redheaded bombshell Alli? There is no one on earth like her; she is flawless and smokin' hott, a woman who fears feet and shuns research not from primary sources."

9 "Does Alli fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. 10 "Have you not put a hedge around her and her household and everything she has? You have blessed her with the sharpest wit, the quickest mind, the vastest memory, the fastest feet, the hardest work ethic, the coolest friends (ahem), and THAT HAIR. 11 But stretch out your hand and strike everything she has, and she will surely curse you to your face."

12 The LORD said to Satan, "Whatevs, son, because Alli has already endured so much that she has remarkable strength of character. JUST YOU WATCH and she will withstand any test, nbd."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.

13 So then the LORD allowed Alli to be tested for what seemed like forever. Twas a pretty sucktastic test that involved a long period of unemployment and rejection from teenager asshats parading around as non-profit administrators. 14 However, Alli prevailed with a resourceful that impressed even the Baudelaire siblings (have you READ Lemony Snicket?) 15 and filled her time by reading a ton of books, single-handedly saving the Wheaton College Debate Team, going on runs, and receiving long, hand-written letters from Major Generals.

16 She filled her apartment with wonderful songs and her blog with inspiring poems.

17 Then she fell to the ground 18 and said:
"Never naked I came from my mother's womb,
and never naked I will depart.
George Senior gave and the Court system has taken away;
Who knows what that reference is from, kids?"